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  Crime and Nourishment


Nathan ‘Uncle’ Frank was running for his life. His spats splashed into deep puddles, rippling the reflections of neon signs advertising all the nocturnal delights of the city. He charged down the cobbled alley, his long coat flapping madly behind him. Another gun shot rang out in the sweaty night. Nathan shit himself a little bit.

Nathan was a thief. He stole things that belonged to other people. It started with the theft of a pencil from school. But mighty oaks from small acorns grow, and he soon progressed onto bigger things: two pencils, a ruler, some paperclips in a box. Then he started stealing from other places besides school:



Money from his dad (50p in his shoe)


The News Agent:



And when he grew up, Nathan continued his career, graduating from the school of burglary with honours in car theft and jerking off.


Nathan crashed left into a darker alley and stopped running, gasping for breath. He was trying to be silent, listening for his pursuer’s approaching footsteps. All he could hear was the drip of the rain and the hiss of steam rising from the heat of the streets. Nathan waited for agonizing seconds, watching the flickering lights reflected in wet darkness.


Not a sound. Nothing. Nathan began to relax and was sure that he had lost him. A hand flew out from the darkness and grabbed Nathan’s throat.


“You’re mine Frank!” The strong hand around his throat, the square jaw, the weathered features, the dead hard eyes. It could only be Lieutenant Massivebellend. Water trickled down the brim of his hat and splashed off his raincoat.

Nathan “Uncle” Frank felt all of the blood drain from his face and did a small piss. This distracted Massivebellend just long enough for Nathan to wriggle free.


“I do not wish to subdued right at this moment!” Managed Nathan as he ran into the blackness of the shadows.


Massivebellend gave chase. He was focused. Focused on catching his man. This scum was a law breaker and had to be punished. Massivebellend was the man to do it; he believed in the law and the right to defend it and decent people who don’t really exist outside of the media and government focus groups.


Holding his gun in his right hand, pointed to the sky, Massivebellend ran at full pelt after Nathan “Uncle” Frank. He could smell blood, like those dogs they use for hunting that can smell blood and catch other animals like foxes or big deers. Massivebellend would not stop until he caught his prey, or his prey got the better of him. And that hadn’t happened in eight billion years on the force.


Suddenly the alley way was illuminated by a flash of lightening! Throwing light upon the scene of a young professional from New York at the top of his game, wanking into a bin. Distracted by this, the easily distracted Massivebellend almost missed Nathan running through a doorway and into a residence.


Massivebellend gave chase again, crashing through the door into a comfortable kitchen-diner which was brightly lit and well heated. There was soft reggae playing in the background. Massivebellend closed the door behind him and removed his hat and wet raincoat.


Nathan “Uncle” Frank walked over.


“May I take those?” he asked.


“Thank you very much” said Massivebellend, handing over the soggy garments and taking a seat at the dining table. “Smells good”.


Nathan smiled and returned to the grill, where the Fish Fingers were almost ready.


“The Fish Fingers are almost ready. I can see that now I am stood near the grill again” Said Nathan.


“That’s great” said Lieutenant Massivebellend “We’re you stood by the grill before I came in?”


“Yes I was” said Nathan “That’s how come the Fish Fingers are almost ready. Would you like Ketchup?”


“Yes please”.


Nathan put three Fish Fingers between two pieces of bread, along with some ketchup, and created a Fish Finger sandwich especially for Lieutenant Massivebellend. He took the sandwich over to the police officer and placed it on the table before him.


Massivebellend ate with gusto. Nathan sat opposite him and ate his own Fish Finger sandwich. After a time, the two paused from enjoying their nutritious savory snacks and spoke. They both began at once, and then laughed.


“You first” Said Massivebellend, smiling at Nathan. They made eye contact, and just for that moment, they had a human connection. A deep empathy with one another. An understanding of each others pains, hopes and terrors. And their inner utter infinite beauty.


“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for stealing. I know its wrong and I can understand why it would make a dedicated lawman like yourself angry. I am going to dedicate the rest of my life to serving my community however I can.” Said Nathan “Uncle” Frank.


“Well that’s lovely” Said Lieutenant Massivebellend. “I just wanted to say that I can understand why you steal; your fear of poverty, your childhood delinquency caused by a father figure who kept small change in his footwear. “


And then the two men smiled and bid each other farewell, leaving as they did by separate exits and bothering the other no more.

  Finished now.  
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